Jaime 'Himay' Zepeda

Musings from a work-in-progress millennial father, leader, and man.

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Why the World Needs Millennials to Lead

photocredit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jamesjordan/

There a huge crisis ahead, and nobody is talking about it. It’s a crisis that puts the future of everything we have built and know right now at risk. It’s a crisis of leadership.

We are in the middle of a major generational change in tide. Baby Boomers are moving out of leadership roles altogether, and Gen X into more senior positions. This is happening across business, politics, family dynamics, and any form of tribe. This sweeping tide is leaving a leadership chasm in the front lines, where people first jump in to a cause, a company, or a community. There will be fewer and fewer people there to inspire the rest of us to be involved in something bigger than ourselves and make a difference.  Why? Because Millennials don’t want to lead.

So what’s going on.

It starts with what it “means” to be leader today. The leadership landscape is filled with false prophets. People who love the idea of being a leader and the perks that come with it. Deep down, though, they seek power for their own gain. These “leaders” say one thing and do another, they first think about themselves and then about the broader community, and they sacrifice little but gain a lot.

Unfortunately, there are far too many of these so-called leaders, and they have redefined the term for the worse. This is especially true for Millennials.  Talking to them you remember that they grew up hearing about Enron’s greed, Wall Street’s hubris, and Pay-to-play politics. The narrative around leadership was filled to the brim with cautionary tales and constant disappointments. Leadership stories that inspire us to greatness have been few and far between. The safest interpretation of what means to be a leader is to be cynical about the whole idea.

No wonder only 22% of Millennials are even remotely interested in becoming a leader. Even among those who are interested in the idea they see it only as a means to an end of furthering their career. A likely factor? Most companies don’t even consider training their Millennial leaders as a top priority over the next two years. Not sure what came first, the chicken or the egg, but I know for sure nobody is getting any omelettes any time soon because of all of this.

This trend is so damn depressing because the possibility of more Millennial leaders is such a hopeful vision.

Why Millennial Leaders Are The Heroes We Need

We are a few steps away from transforming the sorry standard for leadership forever. All we have to do is coax the potential already within this generation of millions.

We need Millennials to lead because they already possess the characteristics needed to be a great leader. Here’s a sample:

Idealistic: Millennials want to make a “positive impact” in the world, and a bunch of other silly things we laugh at.  Stop and think of a few laser-focused leaders who want to change the world, regardless of how unrealistic it may be. How many of us consider Elon Musk and Malala pie-in-the-sky fools? What if we had millions of leaders passionate about making tectonic shifts in how we work together, the value we create, and the world we live in? Isn’t this an instant upgrade from millions of bosses trying to squeeze out the largest possible bonus?

Curious: “Why can’t Millennials stay put?” Actually, they can and do, it just takes a bit more to keep them engaged. They want challenges that help them stretch and learn.  As the most educated generation ever, they are feverishly curious. In order for a leader to be future-read and nimble in times of change they need be constantly learning, not be stubborn in their knowledge.

Selfless: Yes, in order to be an effective leader, you need to take charge. But what’s often missing in defining effective leadership is the work that happens before and after the charge. A leader is also a coach, a servant, and a valuable asset to the team. Leaders help connect their team to a larger mission in order to inspire great feats, and they make each success about the team, not about themselves. A leader who acts like this truly has followers; one who doesn’t is only exercising temporary power and a flash of influence.

What Now?

The current brand of leadership is uninspiring and inauthentic for the vast majority of Millennials. Millennials are next up to take the mantle, but are unfortunately faced with a definition that is as foreign as VHS tapes.

In order to make leadership resonate it needs to be framed as an authentic, purpose-driven, and growth opportunity. Big paychecks, corner offices, or having the final word don’t cut it anymore. Mainly because these are artifacts closely associated with the dark side of leadership that crowd the headlines. We need to show Millennials how leading others to achieve spectacular things can be one of the most fulfilling adventures one can take. We need to offer a brand of leadership that doesn’t make them lose their humanity in the process.

The leadership crisis has already begun, but will come at full force over the next 2-3 years as Millennials reach an age when first-time leadership roles usually arrive. What will happen when Millennials are unwilling to take those roles, or, even worse, take them but don’t have the support or motivation  to do them well?

The idea of “leadership” needs a major reboot. It needs a remix. Shoot, it needs a whole new record label and new arrangements. We need Millennials to see the impact they can have as leaders, and to do that we need a new framework that highlights purpose and humanity more, and flash and hubris less. We need to because we need them now.

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November 8, 2017

Why It’s Important to Remember You Are Not Naturally Awesome

I live a privileged life, even if I don’t own many houses or leather-bound books. It’s privileged because I am able to do and experience what many can’t. I’ll give you an example:

I was recently eating an over-priced but still delicious salad on the steps of the New York Public Library while wearing a nice suit, having just finished a great meeting with a client, and about to board a plane back to my wonderful family. There’s obviously a lot to be grateful for in that sentence, but it is deeper than that for me. I grew up in rural Mexico, and often dreamed of one day visiting New York City and witnessing the big lights, the buzz, the pizza (the eternal fat kid). Now I get to visit it regularly along with other places, with a purpose: my craft. But that’s not what this story is about.

In front of me were two couples, each had their little ones sleeping in a baby carrier, talking in Spanish. They seemed worn out, not just from the day but from the many days and years leading up to it. We all know the feeling; that stretched, feverish feeling when you’re not sure when or if things will get better. I noticed them because I thought I knew one of them, the older woman looked like my tia back home. They started arguing over whether they should go home since they didn’t have enough for lunch for everyone. This is when I realized how crazy of a scene this was.

At that moment I realized the truth we were both living but in different ways. We hadn’t fully earned our place in that scene. My hard work, education, and the network I’ve build has probably my success, sure, but it’s not the most important factor, not by a mile. My success is an accident because my birth was also an accident. I was an accident because my dad decided to take a work trip to the US, and my mom wanted to tag along. She was about the burst, but figured she had a couple more weeks. She didn’t, and I was lucky enough to be born in Wattsonville, CA. Because of that I was a US citizen and had been given a gift countless friends and family members have literally risked their lives to get.

I didn’t earn any of that, yet my whole life has been shaped by that flip of luck. If my mom would’ve chosen differently, or if my dad would’ve taken the trip a week before, or if mini-me had decided to take a few more days to cook, I would not be eating my lunch in the city I grew up idolizing and have a wonderful family waiting for me back home.

Why does any of that matter? Because we all have to realize that a good part of what we have and have achieved is largely due to luck. It is due to something we can’t control, and a force our talent, wealth, or connections can’t influence.

We should think about this and be humbled. We should also think about this and look at people who are not doing as well as we are and wonder, What unfortunate luck struck them? It could’ve been me. Because indeed it could’ve been. Luck doesn’t discriminate–and luck doesn’t care. Today’s good hand could’ve be tomorrow’s challenge.

Rather than think about this and get depressed and go into a nihilistic spiral, I want all of us to simply appreciate what we have even more because it very easily could not have happened. And I want us to also empathize with people who are not where they’d like to be because it might’ve had nothing to do with their work ethic or character, but just a matter of pure, fickle luck. The world has a big humility and empathy gap right now. That gap is alive and well because I don’t think many consider luck and so all the praise or blame are piled on the individual.

That scene in NY was a blaring reminder I am actually not that awesome, at least not entirely out of my own doing, and they were probably struggling with challenges that one day might fall on me. So the most humane thing to do is be grateful with what I have and be kind with what they lack. That will make any trip home that much sweeter.

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October 10, 2017

The Day I Became A Father

I had a challenging relationship with my little one from day one. My wife’s labor was very rough. She endured more than I could ever imagine for numerous days. The day of his birth was hard to stomach: my wife had a challenging C-section and he had trouble breathing as soon as he came into this world. During two unforgettable hours I thought I might be losing one or both. I imagined a life without them and it brought me to tears and left me jilted for some time. Today, nearly a year after, my breath becomes shallow just thinking about that cold morning in the OR.

The first time I saw him he had contraptions all over his face and tags all over his body. I saw him and I understood, mentally, that I was a father. The thought process was clear. He was my son, he needed me, and as a father I must protect and nurture him. Understood.

But the pathos took a long time to catch up. Maybe it was the shock of what I just experienced, or maybe I just didn’t “get it” in a visceral way. Over the first few months I tried to understand my relationship to this cute new little stranger who relied on me for many things.

I don’t know where it changed, but I am certain that it did, because every time I see him now I am awash with warmth. I see him sleeping and I wonder what he is dreaming about. I hear him cry and I literally cannot hear anything else because I am zeroed in on him. I see him smile and all of the sleepless nights, rigors of life, and aching body go away instantly. I see him look up at me, smile, and feel safe enough to fall asleep instantly, and I realize what I am here on this world to do.

Just the other day, as I held him while he was asleep, I looked at him and thought:
“Look at you. Needing me to hold you every step of the way. One day, you won’t need me to hold you anymore. Then you’ll want me to leave you alone. Then you’ll move away. Then I’ll need you. Then you’ll need to hold me. Then you won’t have me. Then one day you’ll hold someone else in your arms, too.”

I was all nerve endings. This is odd for me to say because I am not a guy who gets wrapped up in emotions (my wife can attest to my unimaginative Valentine’s day ideas…)

There’s this all-consuming force that has taken over and wants to do anything in its power to love, protect, and make him as happy as possible.

Why am I saying all of this? Because I am sure I am not alone. Parenthood is crazy tough–the hardest job in world and the best job in the world–and being a father comes with “expectations.” People tell you what it should be like: “Oh, you will fall in love at first sight…You will change forever by the very first day…You are not feeling like that? That’s weird, because you should.” Should quickly becomes a stress trigger as a new parent.

I felt all those pressures and thought, maybe something is wrong with me.

But I was just taking a longer route getting to the same destination. The path was different, not better or worse. And that’s the point: the journey to anything important, be it parenthood, marriage, or a new career, is full of different, and whenever you hear that there’s a right/wrong way of doing things, I suggest you be wary of that advice. All that is important is that you are trying your best and keep on trying–the rest sorts itself out in due time, your time.

For any parents out there who are struggling to enjoy parenthood, or feel distant from their little ones, it’s OK. Take your time. They will be all love today and in a few months. Try your best and keep trying. You’ll feel it one day, and when you do, it’s impossible to ignore the shift in every single thing you used to feel, think, or do.

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February 27, 2017

Time for Millennials to Thrive

It’s been over a year since I last wrote on this or any other blog. Shoot, I just kind of stopped. It went how most things sort of happen: you stop doing something, stop paying attention, and get wound up in a new unintended habit.

A lot has happened over the last year. I welcomed my 1st son into this world, started my MBA, and dove into some big roles at work. But there’s no excuse, I just stopped when I shouldn’t have.

Here’s the always-present silver lining: this break helped me understand the intention behind my writing. Many people asked me, So what are you really writing about, and I’d ramble a passable answer but didn’t really have one. Honestly? I wrote because I loved it and didn’t care much what I wrote about. But now I see the thru line. I was writing to help people, especially young people, thrive without losing their humanity.

My generation, the Millennials i.e Gen Y i.e. those-kids-with-their-Snapbooks-and-Facegrams, is the talk of the town. As we should be. We are huge (hope you didn’t read that in our president’s voice); we recently surpassed Baby Boomers as the largest generation. We are also immensely talented (most educated generation ever), uber-ambitious (most entrepreneurially-minded), and values-oriented (most demanding of corporate social responsibility at our employers). Yet you never hear that–often because most people doing the talking about us are not us. You only hear that we whine, flake, and love taking pictures of our small-batch coffee. I mean, a small batch affoggato taken with a Valencia filter is the way to go, but still!

Millennials don’t want to make tons of money or buy lots of stuff or conquer countries. We just want to make a big positive dent in the world. (That, our idealism, is also mocked. When that life philosophy gets ridiculed I worry more about other people’s POV than our own.)

And We Are Not Thriving

Millennials are constantly disappointed and frustrated with how the world works, and often think we are at fault.

I am here to say two bold things:

We are exactly the right people to lead the change in this world…

…and we are also the best ones to help ourselves do that. The rest of the world is not yet ready for us.

Our Achilles’s heel is our paralyzing self-doubt. Our unique strength is our quickness and kindness. We struggle with doing great things in a not-so-great world, and I get how deflating that can be. That’s why we, the bold, the young at heart, the quick to forgive, are the right people to lead the charge.

I was compelled to write again because of all of this.

I’ll write about how millennials can thrive. How do we thrive at work, at home, and in our communities. How do we do well and do good. How do we gain greater influence so that we fight for bigger and bigger stakes. How do we make that awesome dent and also take care of ourselves. How we do great things and keep our humanity.

I don’t have many answers, but I am pretty familiar with the questions. The prompts are well-known to me, since my “life plan” went nowhere near as planned, and am all good with that.

I hope this will spark a conversation among us and the building of an awesome Millennial community. We need to support each others’ dreams, build together, and promote the hell out of what’s right in all of us, because very soon we will be calling the shots and swinging that hammer, making that dent a whole lot bigger. Let’s get started.

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February 22, 2017

To Move From Idea to Action, Start With a Prototype

credit: daniel_ericka (flickr)

Next time your friends can’t decide where to go to eat, recommend McDonald’s.

Nothing against the chain (big fan of the McChicken over here), but it’s typically not a group’s first choice for dining. And that’s the point. By introducing this option, you’ve asked them to react. They can either react by saying no and recommend another place, or by saying yes and making the discussion moot. Talk is over, and action has begun.

That’s the gist of prototype thinking. Often when people discuss, it can easily become theoretical or just blah blah blah. Decisions don’t get made, nobody acts. But when you have a conversation around a prototype, your involvement is more active. You are being asked to consider an option, and if you say No then you have to say why, which will then get you closer to an agreement.

It’s important to talk things through. It’s pivotal. Without it you don’t get an opportunity to know what others think, who they are, or what’s important to them. But when you need to make a decision, you should always find a prototype and throw that into the conversation.

The prototype can be a sketch of a process; a mock up of an idea; an imperfect model of a product. It can be half-baked solution, or a rough draft of what you see as the problem.

Grappling with a prototype makes your thinking a lot clearer. You now have something “tangible” to grab, tear apart, and consider. The conversation moves away from the passive and theoretical and towards the active.

A prototype also makes everyone consider it in comparison to their own options. Which one is better? What is either missing? How is it different from what I would come up with?

Prototypes take you from ungrounded talk to action-focused conversations. That’s the first step to getting stuff done.

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June 15, 2016

Want Real Solutions? Ask Why…why…why…

credit: wikipedia

The most important step in problem solving has nothing to do with the solution. You first need to clearly and fully define the problem. And to fully define anything you need to understand why it’s there to begin with.

Many people skip this step and fail when they want to get their fix in place. They feel they know enough to start proposing fixes, but when they present their idea they find themselves in implementation quicksand.

“I think you missed a step. Because even if we were to change the marketing calendar, we would still need to delay the launch…”

“I’m sure it is a good improvement, but I really don’t think involving the tech team in this will make an impact. In the end it’s not their problem, it starts with the production process.”

They skipped the step of knowing the root of their problem, and so their solution was never right. Problem solving starts with the roots of it all.

To get to the root, you have to keep asking why.

You just need to keep asking Why, What’s the reason behind this, until you get to the root. You will have found the root when everything you can think of associated with the problem is covered.

Here’s an example:

Years ago, the Parks Service found a problem with the Washington monument. It was deteriorating, and nobody knew why.

They looked into it and found that it was because of the high-pressure sprayer used every two weeks to wash it. Before they decided to switch the spraying scheduling or lower the pressure, they asked why again: why are the high-power sprayers used every two weeks?

They found that it was because of all the pigeon poop. There was so much of it that they needed the high-pressure sprayers that regularly. Before they decided to get rid of the pigeons somehow, they asked why again: why are there so many birds there?

They found that it was because of the large amount of spiders at the Memorial. The birds loved to eat the spiders, so they all flocked there to get a great meal. Before they decided to use insecticide to get rid of the spiders, they asked why again: why are there so many spiders?

They found that there were billions of insects, little ones that spiders loved to eat. Before they decided to use another type of insecticide to get rid of the insects, they asked why again: why are there so many insects?

They found that it was because of the light schedule used to light the Memorial for tourists at night. The lights were being turned on two hours before sunset, and they attracted all of the insects swarming around early at night.

They decided to change the lighting schedule, so that they turned on 30 minutes after sunset, instead of two hours before, and by simply doing that they reduced the insects by 90%, which then greatly reduced the numbers of spiders, which removed the pigeon problem, which eliminated the poop problem, which removed the need for high-pressure sprayers every two week, and thus stopped the decay of the Memorial.

Some call this method the “5 Whys,” but there’s no right number. You just need to keep asking Why, What’s the reason behind this, until you get to the root. You will have found the root when everything you can think of associated with the problem is covered.

Once you know the root, you will know the problem better than most, and can propose solutions that will work.

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June 8, 2016

Why You Should Write Love Letters

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If you ask your friends, family, or the guy down the street if they write love letters, you might get a funny look. The kind of look you give someone who just asked you for money. Not a kind look by any means. This is so because I believe the love letter is pretty much dead. This tradition has shriveled up in a world where heartfelt affection is an emoji of a panda with hearts for eyes.

Maybe I’m wrong. I sure hope so. Maybe tons of people write love letters, but keep this quiet since it feels like such an antiquated thing. They don’t want to be known as the kind of weirdo who articulates their heart’s beat for their loved one via thoughtful prose. What a total weirdo, amirite?

Despite the awkwardness around the idea of it, I’m a firm believer in the power of a love letter. I’ve written quite a few. Some private, some public. I’ve written some for my mother, some for my father, my friends, and, of course, my love. Some could argue I even wrote some for things, like books. It’s a way for me to share my insides; it helps me connect my internal with my external.

It’s a godsend. Because, you see, I’m a whole lot better on paper than in person. My lady will (a bit too) enthusiastically agree with this. I don’t take it to heart. We all have our strengths and our natural grooves, and for me that means that I’m better with the written word than with the spoken one.

Love letters, then, portray my deepest considerations all at once in the most coherent way I can concoct. The content of a love letter depends on who you are. That guy’s love letter could be filled with rosy language and emotionally-charged descriptions. That other lady’s letter could be calm, in comparison, and carefully list the things she appreciates about the other person. Neither is right and neither is wrong. Both are exactly as they should be, since both are true to the writer.

Just Write It

When you’re writing a love letter, you need to get out of your way and just write it. This sort of writing should be the least filtered piece of writing you can do. The typos, the redundant wording, the oddly placed commas, those are all irrelevant. They are secondary, an afterthought, after you’re done crafting the power of your message.

This message, in whatever words you end up using for yourself, essentially says: you’re immensely important to me and I just wanted to let you know that, because I could not spend another moment not confessing this to you. Open the gates, let the heart pour itself across the page. It’s a great unburdening, the best of all kinds. A love letter helps you breathe easier, that’s for sure.

Ignore Everyone Else

The editor in you will want to tear apart your letter. It will criticize, minimize, or ridicule you. If you listen to that cranky old hag you’ll never write anything that is pumped with life by your soul. Don’t listen to it, basically because that voice is not yours. It was created by everyone else, but what “people say.”

These people say that if you’re a man, and don’t spend your days wearing black turtlenecks, you have no business writing sappy things like these.

These people say that you are way too emotional and you kind of need to tone it down, because you make people uncomfortable.

These people are letting you know what the “right way” of doing things is, so pay attention…If you’ve read my stuff enough you know that I believe that complete bullshit. There’s no right way, there’s only the way that work for you.

You must ignore these voices! At all times and with all things. Writing this kind of letter is simply an example of how frustrating and limiting listening to other people’s definition of “right” or “success” or “normal” can be. People who have these opinions and need you to abide by them are, quite simply, bullies. Ignore the bully, and you take away their power. Human beings create a crowd, not the other way around.

Love + Honesty

Now, this can’t be left unsaid: a love letter is not all flowers and puppies. It’s not simply a proclamation of love. I’ve experienced that the most powerful love letters are those where you reveal yourself in every single way. The good and the bad.

I’ve done this with my lady various times. I don’t just tell her how much she means to me, how much I’m renewed by her laugh and smile and love, but I also tell her how imperfect I am. My concerns, my doubts, and my caution. The ways in which I am still selfish, and the dark thoughts that cloud everything else from time to time. I list the times I’ve failed her, and the fear I have that I will fail her once more, many times over. This is not simply a proclamation, but a confession. It contains both my appreciation for her, and my brokenness, my imperfect state of affairs.

Love letters are life-changing because it’s one of the few times when you can muster up that ultimate courage that comes with being vulnerable. It’s you dropping your pants and taking off your shirt and saying, “This is me, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but I promise that I’ll always try my best.”

Nobody is anywhere near perfect. Even that guy who runs around the neighborhood at 5am while taking a conference call with a $1m client stains his shirt with pudding from time to time. But few of us like to admit that.

It’s hard to say those things, I know it is for me. But when you do, and when you admit this to the person you love in a way that is uplifting, in a way that says, I know this and promise to be my best for you, you build one of the most human connections of all: that between two authentic and honest people.

Start Today

In the letters I’ve written I can say that one thing always, without fail, happens. I breathe a lot easier. I feel like a rush of fresh, cool air has filled my lungs and has lessened my load.

Maybe we will all feel this way once we put down on paper, for the rest of the world to see, what we’ve often held for just ourselves. Maybe that’s the unburdening of being selfish with our heart beats. Sharing yourself is one of the most selfless things you can do, and this counts as that. Once I’ve shared my thoughts with my loved one, I feel renewed. Like we finished writing a chapter, and are turning the page to start what’s next.

I want you to write a love letter right now.

Here’s how: grab a blank page and write at the top, “Dear (name of the person or thing you’re dedicating this to). I just wanted to let you know I love you with all that I am.” End there if you want. That’s a love letter. But if you feel like writing more, don’t let me stop you. Once you have written all there needs to be written, write your name at the bottom and hit Send, put it in an envelope, whatever works.

You have now officially written something true. Congrats, the world is a whole lot better for it.

photocredit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/thed34n/

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August 7, 2014

Five Life Lessons I Learned In My 20’s

Life lessons in my twenties

[read time: 4 min]

30 is the new 20, or so they say. I turned 31 a month ago, and I find this saying a bit hard to believe. Especially when my eyes get heavy at 9:45 pm and I call calling Selena Gomez fans ‘kids.’

But I appreciate the positive outlook, y’all.

Here’s the truth: if I were given the chance to sweep a decade under the rug and be younger, I wouldn’t take it. I like my age. I like the places it has taken me and the place I am now, two full decades into my life.

Each year has given me something good or bad to chew on. I’m proud to say that not all was lost; I ended up collecting some good learnings thus far.

Youth is the time of getting, middle age of improving, and old age of spending.

– Anne Bradstreet

This does NOT mean I’ve actually learned them. I’m not there yet. If these lessons were Jello, I’d say I was in the post-mix stage, just as you are about to put the thickish syrup into the fridge so it can congeal. The life lessons are still milling about in my noggin’, bouncing around and slipping through whatever cortical spaces my brain allows them.

But they are sticking. Slowly, surely. The Jello is getting firmer by the minute (year), transforming the way I do things.

They say the best way to learn something is to teach or share it, so here are five life lessons I picked up along the way:

Life Lesson #1: Care Less About Everybody Else

My godfather, a man who loves his loud shirts and gaudy jewelry, once told me: “Don’t give a damn what other people want you to look like.”

In that same spirit, I have tried to care less about what everybody else things. Because you really do have more fun impersonating Javert at the super market or doing the Carlton at a ritzy Gala. By doing this you also accept the fact that you are imperfect (i.e. have your own awesome brand of weird), and so is everyone else. Those people who tell you that’s not “the way you do it,” or you’re being “weird” have no idea what they are talking about.

So stop listening to them and do what feels true to you. It’s way more fun.

Life Lesson #2: Care More About Everybody Else

Yet, you are a human being, and part of that means you have humanity.

If you’re not living a substantial degree to make someone else’s lot on this Earth easier, stop, collaborate and listen.

Money is fine. Mastery is important. Fulfillment is priceless. But none of this matters if you aren’t reducing the pain or increasing the happiness of another human being. You can do this by being a caring friend, a loving husband, a dutiful steward of your community. You can do this through love, compassion, or sacrifice.

Studies show that our relationship with other folks is the biggest influence on our own happiness. What we contribute to the well-being of others, surprisingly, comes back to contribute to our own.

The most long-lasting relationship we have is the one carried on by the people around us, so remember to show the love.

Life Lesson #3: It’s Later Than You Think

Mortality is a big pill to swallow, and it stings going down.

And I don’t mean your own mortality. I mean facing the fact that the people you love will one day die. Your awesome high school teacher, your grandma, your mom and dad–you.

Being aware of this truth may sound like a big downer. Thinking about death all the time, how is that supposed to help you in life? It helps you because by knowing what might not be you appreciate what is right now.

Say your I love yous today when they can still hear and appreciate them, not when they are no longer in sight because they are deep underground. It’s later than you think.

Life Lesson #4: It’s Earlier Than You Think

That being said, we will all get to be quite old.

Life expectancy keeps growing, so that means that our active, working lives will be longer, too. In this way, 30 is the new 20, since most of us will go past 80, and many of us will work well into our 70s. (Think about that: at least another 40 years of work–the possibilities!).

Enjoy this, and pace yourself.

Life Lesson #5: There Is No Plan

I love General/President/Gramps Eisenhower’s quote:

Plans are useless; Planning is everything.

A strategist and leader said that.

When I was younger, my plan was to be a lawyer, and married with kids by 27. Ha.

The gist of Ike’s maxim is that planning something big, like your life, your career,  your purpose!, on this Earth often proves to be a flawed effort.Yet trying your best and working hard is still essential.

Ask anybody if they expected to be where they are now 10 years ago. We drift and flail, skip, trip, and leap, but if we focus on our strengths, have hope, and never let others define the important stuff for us, good things are bound to happen, just probably not the same good things we first had in mind.

Life is tough as it is, and it’s twice as hard to learn from your experiences as you go along. In order to survive as you’re trying to thrive you have to remember to be kind to others, because everyone has their own battles and insecurities. And this includes yourself, too. As long as you try to do what’s right and give yourself the space to appreciate the rewards of your hard work, there is no way you are doing it wrong. If someone tells you any different, feel free quote my godfather.

photocredit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/queenscollege/

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July 16, 2014

The 7 Traits Of A Real Man

real man

Being a real man. Who taught me about this? The list is long. My dad, of course. But also my mom, my world history teacher (rest in peace, Mr. Byrd), Atticus Finch, Teddy Roosevelt, the school director I used to work for, and so on.

Learning to be a real man is a constant work-in-progress. Whenever you think you’re done learning how to be a  real man you’re just fooling yourself.

So even though I don’t know who taught me to be a real man, and despite my own work-in-progress status, I know what a real man embodies. And (surprise!) it’s very different from the mainstream definition.

Here’s a list of things a man must embody in order to truly be the manliest of men:

A Real Man is Gritty

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” – Helen Keller

I’m not talking about the old west, Jeff Bridges with an eye-patch type of grit. I mean the kind of resilience that comes from walking through fire and healing your burns enough to go at it again.

Life will test your mettle, and pounce on you when you’re not completely prepared–because no one can be. There’s never a point when a man is completely, thoroughly ready to be a father. There’s never a point when a man is completely, thoroughly ready to see his father pass and kiss him for the last time. And yet, he must. He must try his best, endure, and keep his spirit alive. That’s grit.

A Real Man is Humble

“Living is Easy with Eyes Closed.” – John Lennon

There’s the traditional sort of humility, where you brush off praise and avoid boasting. But the most powerful–the most manly!–sort of humility involves a lot more vulnerability.

This humility comes when we realize we don’t have all the answers. It strikes us when we look within and find a gap. We can either embrace that gap and do something about it, or ignore it out of sheer pride. A real man is not afraid to say, I don’t know; he actually relishes saying, Teach me. All males are ignorant of one thing or another, but being humble enough to learn is what separates the men from the boys.

A Real Man is Responsible

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

Being the man of the house is an outdated idea. But that does not mean men are without responsibilities. If anything, our responsibilities are greater than ever.

Our duties are no longer a pre-determined list culled from tradition. They are more dynamic and fluid. Maybe we need to pay the rent, or maybe we need to sacrifice our careers for our partner’s success. And while we can still be the bread winners and provide financially, it is not enough. We must provide emotionally, spiritually. Our work goes beyond what we’ve been told. It goes beyond laying down a paycheck on the kitchen table. It involves supporting the success of those we love, in whatever way we have to do it.

A Real Man is Open

“A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended.” – Ian McEwan

Most people still expect men to be quiet with their feelings, and sterile with their wounds. To be a man is to show no quivering, no self-doubt. The CEO who doesn’t sweat. The dad who never cries in front of his children.

But that’s just a caricature drawn by people who’re long dead. The notion that just because you are a man you are no longer prone to human emotion is ridiculous. A real man embraces everything that he is, even during the most vulnerable times. He sets an example for everybody by showing up without pretense. Yes, it’s incredibly hard to set this example, for society is still hung up on the stoic man with a cast-iron stomach…but the tide is turning, and common sense is turning the page.

All human beings, regardless of sex or gender, are fragile and broken. That’s our communal bond.

A Real Man is Thoughtful

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” – Charles Dickens

The caveman didn’t have to deal with many other cavemen. He spent most of his days twiddling his thumbs or decorating his cave with doodles. But we are not cavemen anymore. Acting out of complete self-interest can’t be tolerated. Just because we want something doesn’t mean we ought to get it.

This sounds like such a simple idea, but look around you. How many people, men and women, do you know who treat others with little respect or thought? How many people push others around, coerce them into submission, or have blinders on when they’re plowing through to the prize?

These are today’s cavemen, but some of us still consider them the “real men.” They are macho. Rugged. Self-made, or whatever other euphemism we want to use for neanderthals.

Real masculinity is not measured by what you get, but what you give. It’s measured by how you treat those who are worse off than you, or could use your help. This is another form of strength. It may be the most courageous form of strength, because you may get nothing in return. To be this strong requires thoughtfulness, the kind that reminds you of your place in the world: a tiny piece in an immense puzzle that binds everything and everyone together.

A Real Man is an Idealist

“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.” – J.R.R. Tolkien

The past contains a lot of horrors that could persuade many that we’re meant to act and live like brutes. It also contains many wonders where humanity is at its best. Some men focus on the former, using it to justify their own brutishness (eat or be eaten), and they call themselves realists.

But they are just selective with their memory. They only recall what will excuse their behavior, not what will inspire them to do good.

A real man, one who contributes to society rather than pillages it by using nihilistic bullshit, inspires hope and wonder. He wants to lift the world. Not to gain praise, but because it’s what human beings have the capacity to do.

A Real Man is Loving

“If boys don’t learn, men won’t know.” – Douglas Wilson

Money is boring. Work is not everything. Achievements are momentary. But the love that you give others, through empathy, caring, and sacrifice, will outlast all of it.

Loving your family, your community, and your fellow man, is the greatest legacy you can leave behind. This is what great men do often and well.

It’s also the hardest thing to do, for your efforts may go unrequited. They may also label you soft, or question your masculinity, since you are putting love ahead of money and awards and, you know, the “real” stuff.

But ask yourself this: who is the most influential man in your life? Got him in mind? Good. Did he change your life because he gave you cash? A promotion? A new car?

Or did he change your life because he was generous with his time and cared for you and your well-being and growth.

Be that man.

(This piece goes out to my father, who is still with me, and who I look up to for almost everything. He’s a man, a real man in the way I describe above. Happy father’s day, dad)

 

Originally published on The Good Men Project

 photocredit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/dariuszka/

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